My last blog was in July 2022. That’s almost a year.
You know why I haven’t written in so long? Because I’ve been coasting. The immediate post-pandemic era was great, back out with friends, being able to travel, popping to the pub. I enjoy it all but in recent weeks I realise I am bored.
Nothing is wrong, I have no drama in my life but nothing exciting is going on.
So, I decide to visit a tarot card reader who I’ve used before (most notably before I left my permanent job to freelance.)
Seeing Jan, (pronounced ‘Yan’) is less about fortune telling (of which I am still somewhat sceptical) it’s about affirmation of what’s on my mind. Sometimes he does affirm, sometimes he doesn’t. With my previous visit it was a 100% affirmation.
Last Friday I told him the above, I’m coasting, I’m bored, is something going to change my status quo?
We begin with my job. A career I’ve held for almost 20 years and one where I’m recognised as an expert in my field. But is it enough? Is this what I want to do forever? Over the last few months, I’ve written a novel, fiction based on real events from almost 20 years ago. My real story. It’s not perfect yet but I believe in it. An exploration via the cards indicates I can’t give up my ‘real’ career yet, but the book will happen, but it won’t be easy. I take optimism from this. Nothing is ever easy and if ever I am going to give myself a quality it is ‘resilient.’ His affirmation makes me more resolved.
The book is intrinsically linked with my view of relationships and my actual relationships. Jan tells me that I will never go back to what I had before, I did it, it’s done and that’s it. In one sentence he’s told me that the mental crutch I’ve held about someone for almost twenty years is gone. I’m finding it a bit hard to process. But maybe it’s the kick I need. I feel empty but I am ‘resilient.’ I will bounce back; I need to bounce back from this.
I know there may be many cynics out there. “Why are you believing some guy who shuffles cards?” “There’s no such thing as future telling.” I get you and to some degree, I agree. But when I first saw him and talked about leaving permanent work to doing what I do now, his insight was ridiculous. He gave me the affirmation to go with my gut. And I don’t regret one moment of that.
I’ve spent a long time over the last couple of days thinking about my ‘crutch.’ But the most positive outcome from this session is that the book will work, 18-month time frame. So, as I get towards the end of my second edit, I’ve decided to park it for a while.
I look at the one and only photo of my ‘crutch’ and tell ‘him’ I need to put him away. I will. But not today. But it won’t be too long. I have to do it. According to Jan, the relationship I will go into will be a ‘departure of anything I’ve ever known.’ He quite rightly says that I don’t know what I want, and that is true. But when I do decide and have clarity it will come. So, one to think about.
Writing is a way of life for me, it’s a large part of my career, it’s always cathartic. But now I need to hone my skills. So, I’m about to embark on applying for some courses, I’ll need to share what I’ve written so far which is a bit scary. I shared the first draft of my novel with a good friend of mine who is a respected writer and cried before I did it. I was letting my story go to someone else. Her constructive feedback was phenomenal, she taught me a lot about dealing with feedback – it’s very different when you’re looking at it from a personal point of view to a corporate one. It’s much easier to tell CEOs they have no idea what they’re talking about regarding communications compared to your professional writer mate!
In the meantime, Jan told me that aside from everything that is in my mind, I need to ‘let my hair fly’. I have to laugh more, have more fun. I have visions of being on a bike, laughing, hair behind me, not a care in the world with my dog Rex running beside me. So work, relationships and the like aside, I’m going to stop coasting, I’m going to start riding, I’m going to get the wind in my hair.
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