That Little Bit of Light…

I had a ‘moment’ in the gym today. I’ll come to that shortly.

I know 2020 hasn’t been easy for anyone but forgive me for a little bit of self-indulgence.

• I’ve lived on my own (ok with Rex) throughout this whole rubbish year without any family close by.
• I’ve had a super person in my support bubble who has been amazing but I have missed interaction with all of my other friends and family.
• I was one of those who had the bad dreams, the vivid dreams (on one occasion the dream was that my throat was cut…. That’s how bad they were) and I’ve slept so badly. My sleep paralysis came back in force as well (NB: I didn’t know that you were meant to go to the doctors about that – have had it for years – but you couldn’t really go to the doctors this year could you?!)
• I’ve worked solidly throughout (on one hand good) but the hours have been crazy – almost seven days a week since March and I’ve been so exhausted I have given myself no time for me.
• I’ve had anxiety like I’ve never had before – that’s really just not me.
• I broke my foot on the weekend the restrictions lifted in July, I was on crutches so couldn’t get out and couldn’t get to the gym either.
• Three weeks ago, I apparently had a ‘severe panic attack’ brought on by over work and ‘lockdown related issues’ – well that’s what the paramedics told me when I called 999 because I couldn’t catch my breath, was hyperventilating and my heart was pounding so much I thought it was a heart attack. On top of that – this came to a head when I was on a Teams Video Call with clients who watched me fall ill live on screen.

As restrictions ‘lifted’ to Tier 2 I wanted to go out last weekend but couldn’t because everything was booked! School girl error.

After two weeks off work, I’ve been very disciplined in taking breaks, doing ‘relaxing things’ not working weekends but today, well today it was like something aligned for the better.

I went to the gym for the first time since breaking my foot. As I was coming to the end of a 30-minute run (quite impressive for my time out I think!) I glanced at the TV and saw the first patient receiving the coronavirus vaccine; and at that split second a special song which saw me through my challenges in 2015/2016 came on my playlist.  I speeded up the pace on the treadmill with a burst of energy and then I started crying. Yes, I cried in the gym on a treadmill because finally, some kind of relief hit. I felt there is some light. Light at the end of my tunnel.

I am more excited about December 22 than I am about Christmas Day. Because December 22 is the day after the Winter Solstice which means the nights will start getting lighter. Me and Rex are having a quiet Christmas together and that’s ok. In some ways I feel like I need to end the year the way I have spent it.

But come 2021, and come that vaccine, I have set a new goal. It’s the kind of goal people choose after a bereavement – and let’s be honest, we can all feel that way about 2020. But 2021 – I am going to say yes to pretty much everything and I am going to go and LIVE to make up for the year I have missed.