Feeling torn

I said in my last blog that 2024 has been the happiest and the saddest of my life. 

As we approach the festive season I’m feeling really torn.

For the first time in nine years I am truly excited about Christmas. For those last years I’ve been what I can only describe as a ‘Christmas Orphan.’  As soon as November hits and all the Christmas ads start playing on tele, the songs on the radio I’ve just had this whole feeling of dread. Everyone talks about what they’re doing, the family they’re going to be with, the dinners they’re making.  I’d often lie and just say I was spending it with ‘friends’. 

Visiting my folks in Turkey was rarely an option – flights were a nightmare and of course I have Rex, and I absolutely would never leave him at Christmas. You may be thinking – but he’s a dog, he wouldn’t know, but I would and we’re a package, I don’t want to spend Christmas without my four-legged pal – the pal who has seen me through life’s ups and downs since 2016 and he keeps me calm!

Don’t get me wrong – pandemic aside (where I spent two Christmas’ just with Rex and were unexpectedly better than I thought they would be!) friends have always invited me around (special shout outs to Michelle and her wonderful family who are really now an extension of mine – and Sarah for last year which was truly magical). But that doesn’t stop that feeling of ‘what am I going to do’ in the lead up. I haven’t put up a Christmas tree in years.

That has all changed this year. Now I’m with Johno I am part of a new family and I’m heading to Scotland to spend Christmas with them and I’m super excited. We put our tree up a couple of weeks ago because we did a Christmas lunch for ten of our friends at the weekend and it was such a wonderful day hosting in our new house.

But, then I think about my Mum. It’s the first time she’s been ‘on her own’ for 50 years. Like me over the last nine years she’s dreading it. Like me, her friends have invited her over for Christmas lunch and she is going, but it doesn’t take away that feeling of feeling like an orphan, or in her case a widow.

It’s been an incredibly tough year for both of us. Grief has hit us differently; you grieve a husband and a father in completely different ways. And with them living in Turkey, I can admit that while rarely a week goes by without me crying that he’s not here – it is different.  I’m used to not being with him every day she’s not. It’s only been nine months and there isn’t a timeline for when you get used to the person who has always been in your life isn’t there anymore. And Christmas hits hard.

I feel terrible that I am looking forward to Christmas, I feel guilty. I’m sure that people reading this may think I should be with my Mum in Turkey, and I agree but she doesn’t want to travel to the UK either. But after everything that has happened, I just want to enjoy Christmas – something I haven’t really done for years. 

Since Dad left us it has felt like there has been so much to deal with, Turkish solicitors, sorting out bank accounts (I’ll forever hate HSBC for the stress they put us through), helping an 81-year old woman deal with things she’s never had to do before – while also holding down my freelance work (thank you to my clients for staying with me when I had so much time off), selling a house, buying a new one, still being there for the other people who need help and someone to listen to them.  On top of that, I’m confirmed as going through the menopause – months of symptoms and finally got a (brilliant) doctor who has helped me enormously. 

It’s not a case of wanting 2024 to disappear, like I said, despite all this it’s also been the happiest of my life as Johno and I set up our new life together. 

But I’m tired. I’m tired of the stress and to misquote Mariah Carey ‘all I want for Christmas is not to feel tired and stressed.’ I’m pretty sure there will be a few moments over Christmas where Dad isn’t here is going to hit me hard but I know it’s going to be a good few days. 

But I’m torn. Because this will be my Mum’s first hard Christmas, she’ll be feeling the same (actually worse) as I have over these last few years. Said it before that this year has been the saddest and happiest of my life – but right now I feel the happiest and most selfish person I’ve ever been – and I really don’t know how to handle those emotions.