What a difference a year makes

Sat at my desk undecided about doing some work or continuing to give the flat a good clean ahead of my impending house move.

I don’t know why, but I suddenly thought about this blog, had a look and the last entry was back in July last year – just over a year ago. And, oh my goodness as the title says, what a difference a year makes.

In my last blog I talked about how a very short-term relationship had taught me so much about what I want and more importantly what I don’t want in a relationship. Less than three months after writing that blog I found exactly what I want! Despite writing many a blog on the perils of online dating that’s how I met him… well sort of.  I hadn’t been using it for ages and then a notification popped up. I had a look, wasn’t interested but thought ‘while I’m on here’ and up popped Johno. We met for our first date that Saturday and have been together ever since. And it has quite simply been perfect. I’m so glad I held onto my convictions and didn’t compromise because I truly believe I’ve found my soul mate, there’s openness, honesty. laughter and fun – and ultimately support; permanent arms around my shoulders and I’ve needed that too.

We scheduled a visit to Turkey for Johno to meet my parents in the April. Sadly, my Dad died a week before we were due to go. Writing the eulogy, a couple of Instagram posts and the entries into my little five-year diary aside I’ve not felt able to write about how difficult it’s been – I guess writing now shows that the grieving process is taking its course. I’ve lost my best friend. Words can’t express what it’s like those first few days – especially in a country like Turkey where everything happens so fast in terms of the funeral – there was no time to grieve, just deal. The amount of kind messages and cards – while lovely – is completely overwhelming. You feel like you should respond but there’s nothing to say – the heart emoji comes in very handy as a way of acknowledgement…

Delivering the eulogy at his graveside is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I only had two days to write it before we travelled and as I ‘rehearsed’ it beforehand I didn’t manage to get through it without crying. On the morning of the funeral, I held the St Christoper he has worn since I was a baby (and which I now wear) and said, ‘This won’t be the last thing I ask you for, but please help me get through today’ and he did. I got through it without breaking down. There have been many times since that I’ve talked to him, I feel the closest to him when I’m sitting on the balcony at the house in Turkey, but I’ve also felt his hand on mine on a couple of occasions when I needed him back home.

It’s been so incredibly difficult for Mum, the first time in 50 years she’s ‘on her own.’ I’m so proud of her resilience but like me, there are always moments where it just hits that he’s not here anymore.

When Johno and I left Turkey, we made quite a monumental decision. He was in the process of buying a flat, but he was more or less living with me, so we decided to buy a place together. The first place we viewed; we loved on sight. We placed an offer, and it was accepted and we move in next week!

I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was when my solicitor rang to say we’d exchanged contracts but then promptly burst into tears because the first person I wanted to call was my Dad – and he’s not there to call. But I know he’s looking down and is so happy for me, I know he’d have loved Johno if he’d met him. To some degree, I think knowing that I was safe and happy gave him the peace to let go.

In between all of this, work has kept me busy which is great. I’m now a two-dog household as Johno brought his gorgeous labrador Betsy with him – she and Rex have become like brother and sister and it’s lovely to see – I never thought I’d be able to introduce another dog to him! My friends continue to be more like family. I finished the novel but it’s gone a bit on the back burner for a while but I feel that now I’m writing this blog that maybe, just maybe I’m ready to get creative again (and maybe get back to more of these blogs.)

So far, this year has been the saddest and the happiest I’ve ever had – it’s a mixed bag of emotion. My sister sent me a lovely little wall plaque which simply says, ‘One day at a time’ and that’s what I’m doing with everything that’s going on.  With a week to go before moving, the thing I know I’m going to miss most is my garden, it’s taken eight years to get it to the point where apart from pruning I don’t need to do anything. Today, I wandered round and found the rose that is the cover photo of this blog. Something fresh, new and beautiful. Despite losing my Dad, I feel my life ahead are those three words and that is something to feel excited about.